Written by Gail Wilson, a fellow MoM
It’s always a pleasure to talk with other women who support and uplift one another. It was no different this past week talking with the Women of CSMOM and having a great discussion on marriage and parenting. We spoke about relationship with our spouses and some of the bumps we experience. In this article we will look at one of the questions shared and the information I was able to share with those who were present. This is all about families learning how to become stronger and connecting on a healthier level.
As a Marriage and Family Therapist I help couples who are at different stages in marriage. Somme even say they start to live like they are floating through each day with little to no communication or connection. Many couples get to the point where roommates become the new definition to the relationship they have today. This becomes very disheartening and discouraging for anyone living in an unideal relationship. This is heightened once children now become an addition in the relationship.
We will go over each question over the next few posts providing information for you and your spouse. The first question we will look at is: How do you communicate effectively without being reactive in the heat of the moment? How can we effectively speak to one another without the other getting offended?
In couples’ therapy we would look at a few areas where communication failed according to the couple and discover, what was working for you. The idea that something was working can be difficult for some. The disagreements can be so frequent it’s hard to see what is working for you. Are you saying the same thing? Has your communication gotten so bad that it’s hard to see the good? How could Something possibly be working if we can not ever talk and hear one another out? Well at some point communication worked and you talked and loved one another. You couldn’t wait till the next time you talked to the love of your life.
Some helpful things to consider when looking at your communication is your pride, tone, intent and purpose. When you are driven by your pride of “Always Being Right” you can really get in your own way when talking to your partner. One way to work as a team, is to eliminate what’s not working. Your pride can speak through your body language. Acknowledging your body can help you acknowledge bad behavior and possibly heal unhealthy communication.
Knowing when your pride is getting in the way has helped many individuals with refocusing and addressing the real issues. When someone points out your anger, many are determining to prove them wrong. Your body changes, your tone is aggressive and the intent to hurt becomes the new purpose of the conversation. Which shuts down the ability to hear another person’s point out. This breakdown can continue with different conversations, bringing you to how your feeling today.
Another helpful tool in the time of a heated discussion is a “conversation timeout”. This can be a helpful tool. Not just for you, but for your spouse and even with your kids. The key to this is coming up with a safe word. You and your spokes will come up with a word you both agree on and come up with the terms to how it is used during an argument. This is key. Talk about how long the timeout will be for and how often it can be used. Coming up with a “Safe Plan” or Conversation Timeout” has stopped a lot of hurtful words from coming to the light.
When you eliminate the ammo typically used in arguments you take away unneeded hurt and negative reactions. Now you are able to focus on the conversation and not feeling offended by your spouse. Reconnecting that love is an important peace along with discovering your language. Your love language can assist you with how to communicate with your spouse. So if everything is negative, full of resentment and pride you will only get what’s not working.
However, the moment you understand the role your pride, tone, intent and purpose play in the communication between the two of you. The ability to stay on focus and respectful starts to feel easier as time continues forward. The goal is not to never have a disagreement, it’s learning a healthy way to have disagreements while still feeling connected in the end.
“That’s what love is, being a witness for the one you love. The complete journey, defeats and victories.” – Love Is on Own
Mrs. Wilson is a Therapist, Life Coach and Inspirational Speaker in South Florida. Mrs. Wilson specializes with mothers dealing with postpartum and redefining themselves and fathers who have difficulty with transitional changes after a new child. Mrs. Wilson also works with individuals; couples and families find inner strength and resolve interpersonal and relational conflicts and more. To schedule an appointment, click www.mgscounseling.com/fullslate-com/